Jokes

Hannah loves jokes and apparently thought I was running out of good ones so she got me a joke-a-day calendar for Christmas. What follows is a list of some of those jokes and maybe a few I'd heard before. If you've heard one of these but I think told it wrong, just remember the wise man's proverb: "There are no new jokes, only variations." Oh yeah, and I threw in a few brain teasers just for kicks.

Q: Why is the number ten afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine.

A mason was finishing the brick siding on a house. When he put the last brick in place he realized he had one left over. Q: What did he do with it? A: He threw it in the air.

The Austrian government wanted to honor Mozart by moving his body to a more prominent resting place. When they opened his grave they found him erasing sheet music. One onlooker asked him, "Mozart, what are you doing?" He replied, "I'm decomposing."

Q: Why do elephants have red eyes? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. The ubiquitous response: But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree! A: So I guess it works.

Q: How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator? A: When there are footprints in the peanut butter.

Q: How do you get an elephant in a refrigerator? A: You open the door and put him in.

A mouse took her babies out of the hole and into the living room looking for crumbs. Suddenly, the family cat pounced at them from behind the couch. The mouse started barking loudly. The cat arched her back, hissed, and ran away. The mouse turned to her babies and said, "See how important it is to learn a second language?"

A man and woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The man was smoking a big, fat cigar, and the woman had a big, fat cat in her lap. The man was allergic to cats and the woman was allergic to cigar smoke. Unable to come to any other solution, they threw the cat and the cigar out the window.

A dog walked into a telegraph office and on the message card he wrote, "Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof." Because the rate for telegrams was constant for up to ten words, the telegraph operator said, "You know, you can send another word for the same price." The dog said, "But then it wouldn't make any sense."

Q: How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator? A: You take out the elephant and put in the giraffe.

Famous people throughout history have tried to answer the famous question: Why did the chicken cross the road? Here are some of the answers: Aristotle: "It is the nature of chickens to cross roads." Karl Marx: "It was an historical inevitability." Ernest Hemingway: "To die. In the rain. Alone." Colonel Sanders: "I missed one!"

A plane landed and pulled up to the gate. The baggage handlers noticed something on the wing. It was a cat holding on for dear life, its claws dug deep into the sheet metal and icicles on its whiskers. Q: What did it have in its mouth? A: A brick.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could actually be done.

A lady called a neighbor to extend birthday greetings in song. After she sang "Happy Birthday" she realized she had dialed the wrong number. She apologized profusely, but the voice on the other end said, "No need to apologize, you need all the practice you can get."

The lion who was king of the jungle called a meeting of all the animals in the jungle. Everyone showed up except the giraffe. Q: Why? A: Because he's still in the refrigerator.

Knock knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwain the bathtub! I'm dwowning!"

A man went to a baseball game. While walking toward the front gate he heard someone shout, "Hey, Dave!" He looked around but saw no one he recognized. Again at the concession stand he heard, "Hey, Dave!" but saw no one he knew. Finally after finding his seat he heard someone behind him shout out, "Hey, Dave!" He turned in the direction of the voice and shouted back, "My name's not Dave!"

Knock knock. Who's there? Banana.
Knock knock. Who's there? Banana.
Knock knock. Who's there? Banana.
Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Doctor: I'm afraid you only have a few weeks. You're dying.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, and say, "That's not it!" and put it down again. This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge papers. The soldier picked up his discharge, smiled, and said, "That's it!"

I bought a box of animal crackers once. The label said, "Do not eat if seal is broken." I looked inside and sure enough....

An uncle gave his nephew $100 for his birthday. The father asked, "What do you say to your uncle?" The boy said, "Please visit us again."

Q: Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.